I used to have a running joke with some of my friends. They used to always tell me how crazy and stupid I was and tell me that I was probably the kid that talked to myself when no one else was around. To that I used to say no, I talk to the voices in my head. They tell me not to kill myself because they like to watch me suffer. Plus they always said they didn’t want to die with me. It would be torture for them as well. To other people this joke may not seem funny, but to me, this joke is sometimes all too real. Minus the voices of course.
I have since returned home from my last post. College year 2 has ended and I am not even sure how I survived this year. 3 people I was close to, my dog, and one person that I wasn’t so close to are added to the list of the people I will never forget. I miss them all so much. Every day. And it doesn’t get easier, like they tell me it does. But I do push on. And every day is a challenge that I must forgo.
Currently, I am in search of a job back home. Since my arrest at home last year, things have gotten better at home and for the time being, I have moved back in with my parents. Living in my car and wherever I could set up camp for the night like last year just wasn’t cutting it. Especially for someone like me that really just needs stability in my life.
So back to college and surviving that.
I spent almost every other night as an all nighter for practically the last month of school. I worked hard and steadily and never even bothered to realize how much I was running myself into the ground. I question how worth it this was. I got angry often and upset, but it was controlled. I got little to no sleep and was running on nothing. The dining hall food steadily got worse as they tried to clear out their inventory. Then came the worst thing to possibly ever happen to me. Every college student has the same nightmares: sleeping through exams, missing finals, etc etc. 2 hours before every assignment of the semester was to be turned in, I was putting together the last of my portfolio, perfecting it, admiring it, and feelings proud of my accomplishments, and then I compiled a program to create a file with test cases for a program that I was turning in. I ran the program. Then my computer crashed. I tried everything I could to get the computer running, and then, realizing I was on a school computer, moved to another system to attempt recovering my files there. I couldn’t log in there either. No one could. Anyone logged into the system, was immediately logged out. The server was crashed and there was nothing I could do about it. 4 students were in that room that night. Each and every one of them screwed. I emailed the professor and he came in to fix it a half hour before the final exam, and the due time of the assignments. It was too late to get anything done, so I turned in what I had and was running across campus to the final. To this day I have not looked at what I turned in. I am afraid of what I will see.
So, after fixing the server, my professor made it clear that there were to be no extensions. Everyone was to have their assignments in, or receive a 0. Later that day, as I learned, he granted one of the students an extension on one assignment, which to me displays favoritism and shows a huge lack of fairness. At this point in time, I am awaiting my grade (which were due by noon on May 19th) to discover my fate. All other things aside, I felt personally victimized by my professor when he told me that I should have failed my previous course and the lack of sympathy in helping me to understand the things I did wrong. Therefore, I sought help from other students and professors in the department in order to develop an understanding of these ideas that I was missing. These are all things that I do not feel that I should have been required to do. The professor denying me help in his course was wrong on its own.
Not only did the professor do those things, but he notably changed how he was going to grade the class as a whole halfway through the semester. I did not agree, but this was minor compared to the other difficulties I had.
My grades for my first year at college consisted of all A’s and B’s. First semester of my second year, after missing so much time for funerals, I was pleased to have two B’s and two C’s, the first time ever receiving 2 C’s on a report, and the third and fourth C I had ever received. This semester, I have two grades so far: B and B-. Considering the information I missed last semester and the events of this semester, I feel that I was deserving of those grades. Next year I will only work to get better, which I feel I should succeed.
My fear is this: the professor hasn’t posted my grade yet. If you were to ask me, I would agree with myself receiving a C for the course. Nothing less than a C would be fair in my opinion. After talking to numerous friends, (both in the course and not, in the department and not) they feel that I should report the professor (regardless of my grade) for the reasons I have mentioned. My family supports me in whatever decision I should make. I do not feel that I should report the professor if I agree that my grade was what I my work showed, but do support filing a report if my professor fails me, since there were so many extraneous circumstances and my professor had showed previous intent that I should not be permitted to move on in the field. Lastly, I fear that this may occur again since next semester, I have this professor again, and not by choice.
I do not feel that the professor needs to lose his job, and in my professor evaluation, I did express my concern for the professor to be less disrespectful and more compassionate. The professor does need to improve as a professor, and I would be greatly disheartened to hear that this professor received tenure for his performances. He is knowledgeable about his field, but he is not a great teacher. I would feel much more comfortable taking the course through another professor, but at a small university such as my own, the choice is few if at all any.
I severely doubt my professor has all of our finals and assignments graded to post our grades, but otherwise my grade should be posted by mid-afternoon today. Assuming that is true, I can proceed with the decisions that I feel would make my semester just. Before I do so, I would just like to take a minute to ask the world and my followers if there are any points they can provide that may put my mind at ease? Without being too unreasonable or harsh, does my thoughts sound just? Am I doing the right thing by calling attention to these concerns or should I let it go? Does my grade even matter when considering reporting these incidents? I do not want to cause further issues for myself by any means, and of course I would request as much anonymity in the report as possible, but I just want to hear other people’s thoughts on the subject. (note that I do understand the bias that people are only hearing one side of a story when providing their thoughts to me, but it is nice to know whether or not other’s agree with my actions before proceeding)
I thank everyone in advance for their input. Before I go though, to my followers: I will be taking the next few evenings to work through reading everyone else’s posts. I really appreciate the support and although I am not readily available in school, I do want to support you all as well.
Thanks for the continued support and until next time,
With love,
~AnonymousCollegeGuy
As an added point, if/when my grade is posted, I will make the grade known through an edit or follow up post.
anonymouscollegeguy 